From coping mechanisms to a self-improvement tool — 8/30
Trigger Warning: Self-Harm, Suicide
Back in my elementary school era, journaling was already a thing. It was called ‘writing on a diary’, no, more like scribbling. That was what I did. For a fact, I couldn't live a day without putting some ink on that chunk of paper, side-cornered by some holed spiralling metals.
Where it all started and how it went
Since I was 9, how I coped with things was through writing. I didn’t exactly remember how I got it, it just came naturally since I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I felt like no one understood me at that time. These days, not really.
Things turned out for the worst — I was anxious, depressed, and wanted to die. I was battling with my own mind, by myself, over the years. The only thing I was proud of: I had internet friends from all over the world. How was that possible? I was a Directioner, a One Direction fan. Big time. That was quite the start of my journey. I learned English and interacted with the slang words that the kids were using. I am forever grateful now.
Stick together and you’ll be stronger, they say
During those years in secondary high school, my journal was glued to me. I was always sitting at the back of the class, near or in between the lockers. Whenever I started having panic attacks and breakdowns, I would simply hide in the journal. Sometimes I would cry, but most of the time I was raging in my notebook. Scribbling wildly, then ripping those apart. Some close friends kept me alive. They had to put the scissors and cutters away from me. They would check up on me. Thank you.
Some things changed though. I found a way to express myself with pretty words. I would then call it a ‘poem’. Poetry is what I would associate myself with. ‘Mitaphor’, a wordplay of my last name ‘Mita’-‘metaphor’. ‘Poetry’ also sounds a bit like my name ‘Putri’. Suddenly, I found myself writing poetry and short stories — fictional, obviously.
Getting out of the woods
Later before graduation, things got better as I joined a cheerleading program. That changed my life. I was no longer doubting myself, I had a purpose to go on, and I had a supportive circle relating to the sport I love. The journal and I gradually separated. Not as much story to be told, and my head was no longer full of nonsense. The sport started to grow on me.
As I entered university in 2016, I tended to hide myself in work. The long hours of classes and school clubs, not to mention the assignments and social needs. I would then be forced to let go of my journal. It no longer served me. Though, I would come back to write whenever I felt overwhelmed. Those days, I felt that I excelled. The anxiety that used to choke me down my throat, was no longer there. For a moment, I could breathe.
More purpose ahead, we are designed for great things
…Though not for long. Back in 2019, I went to the Czech Republic for an exchange program. It was for 6 months and A LOT was happening. Before I knew it, I was back with my journal. The purpose transformed a bit. Not only the journal was for ranting and dumping my brain, but it was also for documenting my journey overseas. The inner voice became more positive. The storytelling became a strategy for living abroad. I would shoot videos, narrate through my writing, and publish them online. Nearing the end of the program, I signed up for volunteer work as a content writer for a non-profit organization focusing on raising mental health awareness in Indonesia. Right from the start, I was hooked!
One Instagram post became carousels, then it became blog posts. Suddenly I was a co-founder of a self-development and sustainability-focused organization. Through my words, I was carrying messages to young adults. On how to take care of yourself more seriously. On how to embrace the environment, the only place you have on Earth.
As you can see now, I am still utilising my words. They help me with my professional work as a tech consultant and encourage me with the communities: Collective Mind, Resah Indonesia, Explosive Performance. The reason why I am writing this, is not only to reminisce about my inner child, but to help you remember them too, as you read this piece. Remember where you came from, aim high to achieve where you want to be and become that person you’ve been dreaming of.
This piece is quite personal to me. Now that I am back with writing, on a more stable, solid, and co-dependant relationship, let’s see what else I could put out to the world. Stay healthy and safe.
